The number on the scale is slowly but steadily heading in the downward direction. Your pants are no longer snug—in fact, they even feel a bit loose. Your energy levels are up. You are feeling great, savoring the positive results of your hard work.|
Soon, the compliments start coming in. Your friends, family and co-workers are noticing the changes, and commenting: "You look great!" "You've lost so much weight; you look like a new person!"
What you assumed would make you proud is beginning to leave an uncomfortable feeling in your gut. Rather than being grateful or thrilled by the attention, you are actually embarrassed, uncomfortable and even a bit angry.
In response to those comments, you might have some negative thoughts running through your head:
What happened? Why is it every time you take enough off that others start noticing, you begin to put the weight right back on?
The Compliment Conundrum
Believe it or not, compliments about your weight loss can lead you toward self-sabotaging behavior.
Sadly, I have heard a version of this scenario over and over again during my years of weight-loss coaching. For some, something about being complimented by others on weight loss is detrimental, rather than helpful.
While exploring this phenomenon with many clients and my weight-loss-coaching groups, a few patterns begin to emerge. Since awareness is the first step towards change, it is important that you recognize if these emotions are stirred up for you.
Many feel very uncomfortable having attention called toward their bodies. Whether it is unwanted attention from the opposite sex, not liking to be the center of attention or insecurity as to the intention of the comments, well-meaning comments do not necessarily help.
You may feel judged. Rather than being admired for your attributes as a person, you are feeling affirmed based only on your physical body.
It can feel deeply inappropriate for someone to comment on your body, especially in the workplace or if the comment is coming from someone with whom you do not have a close relationship.
Weight-loss compliments often feel like back-handed compliments. Instead of being proud or happy, you end up thinking, "I must have really looked bad before!" The good intentions of the commenter are erased by feelings of insecurity and shame over your past self.
Flattery for weight loss may evoke enormous stress and pressure. You may worry about being embarrassed if you gain some weight back or, even worse, end up back where you started.
Given the frail nature of such a dramatic lifestyle change, it's no wonder that seemingly kind comments can often lead to self-sabotaging weight-loss behaviors. When anyone is made to feel uncomfortable, judged, stressed or pressured, and is the recipient of what may feel like back-handed compliments or inappropriate comments, eventually, they are going to feel angry.
Whether conscious or not, that anger leads to sentiments such as, "How dare they? I'll show them! I am more than just my body, and I'll prove it. I'll be successful in all I do despite my physical size." Couple that with the tendency for some who struggle with weight gain to eat to soothe negative emotions, and is it any wonder that compliments can lead you back to the unhealthy habits you have been working so hard to change?
When I discuss this with clients working on losing weight, I hear many variations as to why these comments are hard to listen to. The difficulty often stems from the myriad of intentions behind those remarks. While most are truly genuine, it isn't always easy to know where they are coming from or how you'll react.
Take Charge of the Conversation
While some enjoy compliments as an acknowledgment of their hard work, perseverance and determination, others might recognize that praise for your weight loss inevitably leads to feeling discomfort to the point of self-sabotage. If this sounds like you, don't despair—just being aware can stop compliments from throwing you off track.
Recognize that your feelings and emotions are normal. Notice them and accept them. The mere fact that you acknowledge compliments can lead to lead to self-sabotaging behaviors can be enough to stop you from falling into the trap.
Mindfulness can play a huge role in helping you be successful. Just because you have a thought that makes you feel uncomfortable or upset doesn't mean you have to act on it. Practice taking a deep breath before reaching for food and ask yourself, "Am I truly hungry?" Perhaps it is anger, embarrassment or discomfort that has you wanting to eat, not the need to fuel yourself because it is an appropriate time to partake in a meal or snack.
Whether intentional or not, most form opinions based on how others look. Although we profess that our bodies should be off limits to judgment, we all know that is not the case. You will do better recognizing that this is human nature, not a direct stab at you personally. One of my clients, for example, realized that part of that knee-jerk reaction—I am being judged—stemmed from the enormous self-judgment with which she struggled. Learning to be kind to herself and increase her self-compassion allowed weight-loss compliments to no longer have such power over her.
Keep your goals in mind and do not allow others to derail them. If your frustration at comments about your body leads you to behave in a way that destroys all the progress you have made, you are handing over your autonomy and personal power. Don't do it! Another client learned to ask herself, "Why should I punish myself because of other's insensitivity?"
If you're someone whose self-esteem suffers from the observations of others, does it make sense to communicate to them that you don't appreciate their comments and would prefer they did not make them? When I posed that question to my clients, the vast majority stated they prefer not to call attention to the statements and would rather minimize the topic. A brief, "Thank you" and steering the conversation in a different direction felt best.
However, if you do indeed find one individual continually remarking on your body and weight, speaking up is probably wise. There is a way to accept a compliment graciously, but also explain that comments regarding your body aren't okay. A simple statement such as, "Thank you. I am sure you mean well, but comments regarding my body make me uncomfortable. I certainly don't mind you're noticing if I look healthier or more vibrant, but that is about my new healthy habits, not pounds lost," could serve to both take ownership over your body and your journey while educating the commenter on the power of their words.
Keep in mind, too, that you're in the midst of a transformational journey that will be visible to those who know you best, so comments are likely to occur. Most people do mean well, so being vocal and honest about your feelings will serve you well as you continue to succeed and thrive on your way to your weight-loss goals.